A couple of weeks ago I purchased new bedding. I’ve been wanting to do this for the past few months but I really couldn’t rationalize replace my already luxurious bedding. Anyway I finally gave in and purchased new sheets, new pillows, new comforter, etc. I had been having trouble sleeping.

I would stay up tossing and turning thinking about everything I had to do. Then I would start thinking about the Porn Star and how I had to cut myself loose. I finally decided the way I would get some sleep was to have a fresh start with my bed. Ever since I’ve slept like a million bucks. Okay more like $500. I love my new bed. I want to be in my bed all day. It would be nice to have someone else in my bed with me but my new bedding is a reminder that I cannot sleep with assholes, douchebags, tools, or guys in relationships.

Oh gosh. I really hope this doesn’t turn into another sex strike…

Since I’ve moved back to Indiana, I realized I didn’t need the Porn Star in my life. That was a pretty big realization considering how he was one of the few things that helped me survive my first year in Indiana. This time around I am actually happy with my school, work, friends, etc that I don’t need him to make things better.

He is still bipolar. I’ve learned to not take it personally but I still get pissed.  I still get the drunk calls, texts, IMs but I have learned to ignore them.  I still enjoy having sex with him but something he said has made me question whether we will continue to be fuck buddies.

Him and I had not established any rules about our “relationship.” I had a “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. After one of his bipolar episodes where I wouldn’t here from him for an undetermined amount of time there might occasionally be some other guy in the picture or in my bed. But as soon as the Porn Star was back in the picture no one else was allowed in my panties.

The Porn Star also never trusted me. He was always accusing me of sleeping and dating other people. I supposed I can’t get too angry about these accusations except the times I was being accused of these things he was always wrong. He’s the jealous type and I just can’t handle that. He’s also insecure which is even worse.

Anyway, during one of his jealous episodes he told me he felt “weirded out” by the idea of me dating other guys. He told me he didn’t want to keep hanging out if I was going on dates. This made me furious. It was a major WTF moment. This my friends is what we call a double standard.

He does go on dates. He even tells me about them. He’ll tell me where they went, how they went, and when the girl doesn’t quit calling. When he brings it up, the first thing he tells me is that nothing happened to them, that they didn’t kiss or touch in anyway. He’ll also tell me when girls hit on him in a bar. Now while the Porn Star is very hot and looks and hangs out with those type of guys at the bar, he doesn’t pick girls up at bar. He doesn’t know how. He is awkward, get’s nervous, and during your initial conversation with him you might think he was gay. However, girls do come up to him and offer him their number.

I spent Thanksgiving night with him. I was still irritated about what he had said to me even though he had apologized for accusing me of dating other guys. After that night I wasn’t able to sleep. I was stressed out about school and would lay in my bed thinking about every thing which led to me analyzing my relationship with the Porn Star. At 2:30 am he began to blow up my phone. This made me even more restless and angry. I finally decided it had to stop. A week later I purchased new bedding. And then just to spite the fact that he didn’t want me to see other guys I had sex with one of my man friends. Which was a mistake because he guy actually has feelings for me. Oppsies. Not my intentions to hurt this guys feelings.

I haven’t seen the Porn Star since Thanksgiving. I have heard from him but I’m doing my best to not invite him over. We can be friends but let’s face it, him and I do not have much in common. So we’ll see how it goes.

I’ll admit right now, I miss him. I spent this past weekend in Indianapolis so he was on my mind a lot. I stayed with a friend (a female friend, just in case you’re like the Porn Star and need clarification) who lives in the Southside less than a mile from the Porn Star’s current residence (he is staying with his grandma these days). I may have even ran into his mother at the store. She came up and told me she liked my boots. We’ve never met. I’m fairly certain she doesn’t even know I exist. Then we drove by his old apartment complex. Turns out I have another friend who lives there. Basically every where we went the Porn Star and I had been there together. It would be nice to see him before I left for the holidays but I doubt that will happen. But you know what? I will be okay anyway!

Well since this month is just about over all I can plan are short term goals.

Those would be to finish this damn group project- because it is due on the 30th and I am tired of dealing with it.

Finish editing and updating my resume- the job search is just around the corner. Eventually I’ll need to identify what it is I am looking for and what I’m willing to compromise on.

Laundry- It’s been a couple weeks (maybe 3 or 4) since I’ve done laundry. My basket is full. It’s difficult for me to be motivated when I still have plenty of clothes left but some of my favorite tops are sitting at the bottom of my hamper just waiting to be worn again.

Set up Christmas decorations- I looooove decorating for christmas. I will dance around my baby tree (resisting the urge to buy a big one) and put up other decorations around my aparment. I am also fighting the urge to buy more stuff to express my holiday cheer. I also love baking during the holidays but that is less fun without my nephews and people to actually eat my goodies with. Last week I had a cooking/baking staff meeting with my students. It was fun and they enjoyed it. It also helped me and a few of my staff members bond with one member who isn’t the easiest to connect to.

Other goals I have that are not specific to this month are that I have registered for a mini-marathon. I have been in the mood to run lately and I do better when there is a goal at the end. That goal is completely 13.1 miles in May. The day after graduation and the morning of our hooding celebration.

I am really excited about this challenge. I’ve been running and researching ways to make sure I am healthy and injury free. No more achillies  tendonitis for me! I have my gear, my pretraining and training schedule. I even signed up for smaller races in order to keep me on track.

I still haven’t heard from the Porn Star since he picked a fight with me last week. Although I should be used to this by now I’m still hurt.

One-because I do care about him.
Two-because I don’t like people to be mad at me
Three- because he’s wrong and I’m right.
Four- I didn’t do anything
Five-  I don’t like that he’s bipolar
Six- I don’t like that I’m disposable to him
Seven-  I just want to have sex with him. Is that too much to ask for?

I have been signed up for the last classes I will take at IU and for a few years. Wish I could say these are the last classes I will ever take since that would be more dramatic but Dr. Lily sounds too good to pass up so registar I will see you again because a masters is just not enough.

However all of a sudden it has hit me that I am about to enter the “real world.” First of all I hate that saying. I feel like it makes all my previous experiences insignificant or less “real.” Nevertheless I will be entering the working world without the safety net of school in about 7 months.

I am in the job market. I’m afraid that maybe I’m not qualified for the jobs I want. Which to be honest I’m probably not. That is because I don’t want an entry level job because those are not as appealing. I guess what is scariest part is that perhaps there isn’t a job out there I will want and be happy with. I say this every time I’m about to look for a different job–I don’t want to be in reslife anymore. It is not that I don’t or have not enjoyed my past five years but in order to get to where I want to be I have to get out and gain experience in other places.

Now the tricky part–in order to get experience I have to get jobs that want me to already have experience in those jobs. Bah! I know it isn’t impossible because of transferrable skills and blah blah blah.

Although when I think about it I begin to shake in my cute boots, the longer I think about it I remember that everything will be okay.

Why? Because I’m over confident and believe I’m destined for greatness or at the very least to reach my goals.

Short term goals for the month:

1: be on time for my morning class
This one shouldn’t be so difficult except I have still haven’t timed the bus schedule just right so i end up waiting for it for a long time and then I’m 3-5 minutes late for class.

2. Start working out again.
I took a three week break and I am just getting lazier and lazier. At first it was because I wasn’t feeling well. Then it was because I got to busy & exhausted. Then Chelsea was in town. Now I’m sick again.

3. Cooking for myself again.
I stopped for the same reasons as #2. I know what i need to do in order to make these things happen. I just need to put them into my schedule. If I make them a part of my regular routine and make it fit into my schedule then I won’t find reasons to avoid it (at least not as easily).

4. Do my homework.
I have barely done any school work. This is because I am used to doing school work at a coffee shop off campus. But now I live in a place with no such place.  I should try to find a place in one of the larger towns. That way I can get out of the castle. Again this will require putting it into my schedule.

5. Put numbers 1-4 in my schedule.
For any of you that know me you’ll know that when it comes to work and school I love planners and to do lists. Sometimes I write stuff on my to do list that I have already done just so I can cross it off.

While we don’t always speak the same language and I sometimes don’t understand why she does some of the things she does, she has single handedly changed my life.

My Pammy

She has made it so I would have a chance to go for my big dreams. She supports me emotionally and financially (only not so much anymore, damn growing up!)

She helped me find my passions.

She helped me play softball. Helped me go to and get through college and grad school. She has paid for trips that has exposed me to different cultures, cities, and ideas.

She has pretty much given me the world and had no obligation to do so.

Although I’m guilty of not always showing that I’m thankful I am and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel unappreciated.

small, cute, strong, and here to save the day.

Him and I have a lot in common. See for yourself…

And since I like to things my way I’m using more than one picture. =)

I tend to procrastinate way too much. I always get things done but not in the less stressful manner.

I tend to think I should relax and enjoy myself before actually getting stuff done.

Sometimes I just prioritize stuff in the wrong order. Instead of thinking about when stuff is due, I do things in order of what I will get the most joy out of doing.

Then there are the times when I know it won’t take me a long time to do it and so I wait until I have just enough time to get it done on time.

There are a few things I don’t put off. For example, at my current place of employment I am very cautious of doing things ahead of time and to do an excellent job at whatever I’m doing. I’m well aware that these are the people who will be giving me my recommendations in a few months when I begin looking for my first full-time adult job.

But my procrastinating habits for my school work have yet to see any change. I was talking to Pamela the other day and she reminded me that I’ve always prioritize my job related work over my school work. I’m not sure what to make of that or if I would change that. It is what it is. I just don’t like it when I lose sleep over my bad habits (well at least this one).